A lot has happened this week. My lunch today gave me a stomachache and I finally ordered an extension cord that will make my laptop actually usable and I’ve decided that Madame Web has made many dank years of extreme superhero deluge at the multiplex basically worthwhile. This movie is very bad and also in my opinion not meaningfully worse than most of its genre only here the slick plastic veneer has been forgotten and all the clumsy hands behind the curtain are as obvious as if this were a sock puppet show which also, now that the concept has been raised, I would watch. There is not a single element of Madame Web—not the performances, not the direction, certainly not the effects, and absolutely, emphatically not the script—which feels as if it was given more than ten minutes of thought at any point and also whatever little thought was spent probably was at the tail end of the soft sloping wave of a THC soda. Why was “Uncle Ben” spending so much time with his sister-in-law? Have you ever seen anyone dance on a table at a diner? Sydney Sweeney is miscast here and is playing “nerd” in the pop music video sense, not in any manner which approaches realism, BUT I did find her placid reaction to her weasel father saying Uhhh actually maybe you shouldn’t come into your stepmother’s hospital room with us idk she might be kinda uncomfy with that :'/ extremely funny. As incoherent as it is dull, still I respect Madame Web for being a comic book movie which has directly reduced the number of comic book movies that will be made in the future. I have scored shockingly high on many “do you have autism” internet tests so I am qualified to say that Dakota Johnson played this as if Madame Web is autistic. And that really worked for me. Dakota Johnson has accessed a level of detachment here which is so extreme it comes back around to feeling very vital to me. It’s just funny. Her apparent disinterest in the proceedings is so total that it doesn’t even come off as actorly. No, you have little choice but to just believe in it. Like, yeah, Cassandra is just like that, I guess. I just accidentally typed Dakota Webb. It’s really crazy for her last name to be Webb. They didn’t need to do that. I saw online that this movie, as written and filmed, was meant to be set in the 90s but then Sony decided it needed to be moved up into the 2000s so that if you squint you could pretend that the baby born at its conclusion is going to be Tom Holland’s Spider-Man someday. This is easy to believe because roughly sixty percent of this film (and 98% of the villain’s dialogue) is ADR’d and they do play “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes. When Zosia Mamet first appeared on screen I was not the only person in the theater who immediately began laughing out loud. It was a lot of people that were laughing. She had yet to say a word. Kendall Jenner can take comfort in now having appeared in only the second most embarrassing Pepsi commercial. It’s so crazy to make a movie about Spider-Man’s uncle’s weird coworker but what follows is from her. Bye.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Feeding milk to the cats that live and blast out extravagant dairy-fueled shits on my fire escape with the teenagers I kidnapped and had no compunction about just keeping forever since they were all experiencing neglect. Well, one girl’s father was deported which is kind of not the same but, hey, it’s all Greek to me. A guy at the deli said that once when I asked if he could turn the music down because I was trying to read the ingredients in Corn Pops. I don’t know. The girls have neither spider powers nor a completed tenth grade education but their affection for person called “Britney Spears” is giving me an access into the psyche of the human woman which I never thought possible.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Maybe President Franklin Delano Roosevelt as portrayed in the movie Annie (can’t walk, loves children) or the Mary-Kate character from It Takes Two. (sorta gay-seeming foster child)
Which living person do you most admire?
I would say that has to be my partner, Ben Parker. Once he referred to himself as my Parkner but that didn’t translate for me. Maybe it’s “guy stuff”. I mainly focus on not looking anyone in the eye even if I’ve just saved their life. Anyway, it’s great to have a friend who will not only unquestioningly aid and abet in the commission of a serious federal offense but also invite you to attend his sister in law’s baby shower where you won’t know anyone and will be compelled via sinister party game to talk about how your mom died in childbirth while emerged in a magic hot spring in Peru. I guess we all need someone like that.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Can’t walk on walls it’s a whole thing.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Wanting to kill teenage girls just because you had a bad dream about them getting spider powers and throwing you out the window of your high-rise apartment. Okay, so live in a basement, flower child. It’s just gross.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Recently, I spent a week abroad. When I got back this woman in my building asked if I had been “doing a little eat pray love” which I found kind of offensive if I’m totally honest but I guess religion isn’t illegal yet.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Is acting regular a virtue? Also why would I know who is “president”.
On what occasion do you lie?
After I drowned and was dead with the underwater spider community for several minutes only to be CPR’d back to life by Ben, I did tell the guys at the barbecue that, “when your heart starts back up again, you’re fine,” and that is laughably untrue and really not the sort of thing that a medical professional should be saying but they were grilling, you know, so it seemed important to protect the vibe.
What is your greatest regret?
All of the years I wasted thinking that my mom died on purpose out of hatred for me and insane lust for spiders. It’s starting to seem like I kinda made that all up and really she gave her life trying to find a cure for a disease I was diagnosed in utero. While this is not a “normal” thing for a mom to do it did like 78% work. It’s also annoying that 9/11 happened because people talk about it a lot still two years later. So I do regret that.
When and where are you happiest?
Waking up surrounded by my teen captives and finding out that being blind isn’t that bad when it allows you to know in advance that your friend’s family is going to die and leave him to raise their baby. It’s just a really special feeling. I know it’s hard for people to understand what’s going on with me but it’s like I have TIVO for real life.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I crushed a guy with a giant letter from a PEPSI COLA roof top sign once. It was pretty intense to make that happen because they have like very good construction and stuff. It’s a major brand. Like one of two major cola brands. Really close to the top.
If you could choose to come back as something, what would it be?
Trick question I’ve already died a bunch and am still me only progressively more spectral. My impression is that men don’t have to talk about babies or eat really small cakes the way ladies do so that could be fun for me.
What is your most treasured possession?
So okay. The best thing about the future is it hasn’t happened yet. You may or may not know but this is kind of big saying for me. I wanna do t-shirts or something. For me in a sense the future HAS happened, though, so I do treasure that.
Where would you like to live?
Obviously, my feelings about the Amazon are kind of complicated and besides there I guess historically New York City is the main place to be a spider person. Plus there’s a lot of Pepsi here.
What is your favorite occupation?
I did love being an EMT because of all the opportunities I had to die but these days a self-directed work from home setup mostly involving staring ominously into the middle distance is way more my speed.
What is your most marked characteristic?
I don’t know if you’ve heard but my web connects them all. That and bangs.
What do you most value in your friends?
Ideally, they are children with negligible sense of self and few connections to the outside world.
Who are your favorite writers?
I’m not sure I follow.. .I guess I prefer pens to pencils.
Who are your heroes in real life?
I always thought that my mother hated me. It turns out she only hated my neuromuscular disorder. So that’s a huge plus. Thanks for the spiders.
How would you like to die?
I would like it tremendously. Thank you for asking.
What is your motto?
This benevolent spider-person inexplicably invested in my well-being once said, “when you take on the responsibility, great power will come.” This doesn’t fall quite right on the ear, I mean, he probably could have used another co-writer or two to really punch things up and find that smooth cadence that really sings. But what a great message.